FROM FEAR TO CONFIDENCE Part 1

My last post focused on the fears we all experience in life and on the playing field.  This time I am addressing the flip-side of life and sports.  This article is based on a discussion I had with members of a high school soccer team preparing for their State Tournament semi-final game, following a perfect 31-0 season. The questions they raised prompted a piece I wrote and shared with them.  I hope this is helpful to you as well!!

What is the best way to stay confident?  How can I restore my confidence after making a mistake?

Question: If you were to suddenly have unlimited confidence, how do you think you would play differently than you typically do at present?

I have posed this question to dozens of athletes with whom I work.  Take a minute to answer this question for yourself.

  

The answer I most often get is: "I would play more aggressively and not be so tentative."

From this we can infer two important qualities of confident players.
   1) They are more likely to trust their instincts and not think too much about their game, and 
   2) They are not so worried about making mistakes, and more likely to accept such mistakes as an inevitable part of competing at a high level.

Years ago, after winning the U.S. Open Women's Tennis championship, Lindsay Davenport made the following comment:
"I didn't want to leave anything on the court. I might lose, but it would be by going all out - even if I made 60 unforced errors.  I didn't want to be out there just getting the ball back in."

Her focus was on playing aggressively - on going all out, and not on whether or not she might make any mistakes in the process.  If anything, she seemed to take into account that she WOULD make some mistakes, but that would just be a part of the aggressive way she had committed to wanting to play.

Many athletes feel confident WHEN THEY ARE PLAYING WELL. It is as if, when they see that things are going well, they say to themselves, "Hey, I am pretty good," or "I am playing quite well today."

The biggest problem with this way of looking at things is what happens when they make a mistake or two.  Then they begin to doubt themselves ,which can easily lead to another mistake or being outplayed by their opponent. Before long, they are saying to themselves something like "I suck out  here," or "I am not as good as that player."

There is a different kind of confidence, and that is the kind that comes not from the particular results of a given game or match, but from a feeling we have developed about ourselves and our abilities along the way - regardless of how we might be performing on any particular occasion.

Golfing great Greg Norman put it this way: "I know exactly what my skills are ... and I trust them. Knowledge and understanding of my game have brought me an inner confidence and perspective."  

Athletes with inner or self-directed confidence will tend less to start doubting themselves when they do make a mistake or have a bad play. Anyone can stay positive when things are going their way, but these athletes are able to stay positive even when they make errors, and readily accept the fact that no athlete can play perfectly all the time.

Brad Faxon, known as one of the best pure putters in professional golf, was having a bad day. His partner for the round commented afterwards, "It's too bad you weren't putting well today," to which Faxon replied, "Oh, I was putting well today; they just weren't going in."

Faxon knew he was playing his game, and that sometimes even then things don't go your way. This is a great example of confidence as the capacity to believe in your abilities regardless of the outcome of the game.

HOW FEAR IS DESTRUCTIVE ON THE COURT AND OFF IT

FEAR. The one thing that, more than the toughest opponent, can bring down the most talented of competitors. 

I addressed the topic of fear in a previous post, FEAR or TRUST, which told the story of British rugby great Jonny Wilkinson, and his struggles with his own fear as he made his way through his career from self-doubt to confidence.  

The topic of fear was part of a talk given recently by former U.S. President Barack Obama as he addressed the current political climate in America. 

President Obama talked about the fact that much of what is currently happening in the U.S. is guided by a "politics of fear." His remarks caused me to think about how, in one way or another, the challenges faced by virtually every athlete I have worked with in my 25 years of sport psychology work stemmed from some sort of fear (fear of messing up, fear of disappointing others, fear of being benched, fear of falling short of one's goals ... mostly involving some sort of loss). 

These fears  - the fears that any of us face - may well be hard-wired within us. Historian Jon Meacham has noted that "Fear is among the oldest of human forces." At any rate, our fears are very basic and hard to overcome (whether in athletic competition or in our social and national life).*

Paralleling Wilkinson's own journey from fear to trust, President Obama eloquently called for a move from the politics of fear to the politics of hope. If, as suggested above, our fears are our "default mode," then such a shift requires clear  motivation, deliberate efforts, and thought-out strategies to enable us to replace fear with hope and trust.

The only way forward - the only way to adapt to whatever circumstances life throws our way - involves making those efforts, as hard as that may be. And perhaps also accepting that some fear will always be with us, but knowing that MANAGEABLE fears can even be part of what propels us forward. 

When we are able to find the COURAGE - in measure large or small - to face our fears and reach past them, then the kinds of strategies we can develop on our own or with the help of a sport psychology professional, can surely help us move from fear to hope.

* Meacham writes in "The Soul of America, "Fear is caused by whatever we feel has great power of destroying us, or of harming us in ways that cause us great pain. Fear feeds anxiety and produces anger. The opposite of fear is hope. Hope breeds optimism and looks forward. Fear points at others, assigning blame; hope points ahead."

YOUTH COACHES AND THE PARENTS IN THE STANDS

I recently took part in a meeting of youth basketball coaches where the matter of parents who try to coach their own kids from the stands (and at other times) was addresse

Some of the veteran coaches gave some very good advice to the other coaches in the group about some ways to establish firm yet gentle boundaries, and there are other sites online offering similar counsel.

However I asked the coaches to consider another facet of this nearly universal problem, i.e., that this could also present a very important learning opportunity for 8- and 10- and 12-year olds. 

When a parent yells out to his child to take the shot (because that parent cares about his child's success but not necessarily the success or cohesion of the team), the child wants to please his parent (and/or get his parent off his back) but the child is also learning how to be an effective part of a team and experiencing very valuable life lessons about it not always being about you.

I told the coaches that such situations offered children an important learning opportunity regarding such growth and personal development, and that there could be a benefit in NOT trying to only resolve this matter by appealing to the parents' readiness to back off.

I suggested a coach might begin a conversation by asking the kids to think about when parents yelled out such things, and in what ways this was beneficial and in what ways not.
Also to think about how - even though each parent wants the best for their child - this impacts the team as a whole, and that sometimes in life we have loyalty to more than one group and have to make certain choices - so that loyalty to our parents must co-exist with loyalty to our team.

This kind of discussion can help children develop a stronger sense of being able to manage potentially distressing situations and feel confident in their abilities to confront these (and other) unpleasant situations in ways that allow them to emerge with feelings of success.

By ONLY attempting to manage the situation through discussions with the offending parents, coaches, despite their best intentions, could prevent kids from such growth.

Many years ago, a leading psychologist named Albert Ellis, whose lengthy career focused on how people reacted to the things in life they defined as problems, proposed that school could help kids enormously by exposing them to mildly distressing situations so that the kids would develop the skills and strengths to successfully cope with these situations and thereby master their abilities to see such problems as not debilitating or otherwise disturbing, but as road bumps in life that they felt confident they could cope with and overcome with proper effort

If you have had experiences and/or thoughts in this matter of parents and youth sport, please drop a line to MitchSmithMentalCoach@gmail.com. Anything shared will be treated with the fullest of confidence/privacy.

A WARRIOR'S GREATEST WEAPON

At the Rick Mahorn Big Man Camp one of the focuses of our mental coaching sessions is working with guys on developing a WARRIOR MINDSET.

The recent film "12 Strong" about a U.S. Special Ops team sent to Afghanistan after 9/11 to provide tactical support to a local leader and his militia fighting the Taliban, offers an interesting insight.

The U.S. team was there to liaison with American air strikes.

In one pivotal scene the American captain tells the Afghan leader, "I'm your link to the greatest weapon in the history of civilization, General. You've got to start trusting me."

To which the Afghani replies:

"The greatest weapon in history is THIS (pointing to his heart). I don't have soldiers in my army - not one. ONLY WARRIORS.
Stop being a soldier (pointing to his head) and start using THIS (pointing again to his heart), and you can be a warrior too."

In an earlier post I wrote about how Kobe Bryant used music to bring on his warrior's heart: What Kobe Learned from the Movies

MASTERING THE MENTAL GAME

My mind is where every challenge I have ever faced has been won or lost. Train the mind and the body will follow.             - Steph Curry

 

MARCH MADNESS: HERE'S TO THE GUYS ON THE BENCH

The contribution of these guys should NEVER go unappreciated!!!

It's March Madness time again.  Through strength of season or automatic bid 64 teams will attend the Big Dance. Each team includes guys who spend most or all of each game on the bench.  I know from my work with several such players that the excitement of the season can sometimes be matched by a considerable measure of frustration.

However the contribution of these guys should NEVER go unappreciated!!!

A while back I served as sport psychology consultant to a college team in Florida. There was one guy on the team, Rob (not his real name), the kind of guy on every team, who gets into games during the last couple of minutes if the team is up by 25 points with the win in sight.  He is the proverbial fan favorite who everyone roots for to get into the box score. But when all is said and done, most people underestimate the importance of a player like Rob.

Most of these guys (and gals) are cheering their teammates on loudly from the bench. They've got a hand or a high five for each teammate who comes off the floor. In practice they give 100%, they hustle and they dive after loose balls like nobody's business, setting a standard for the starters.

Shortly before the season was over, with a couple of games left in conference play and the post-season tournament still ahead, we did a team exercise focusing on leadership. As player after player was asked to rank his teammates for the leadership they brought to the team and how they manifested it, one name was consistently mentioned alongside the top scorers - Rob. The

guy who was last on the stat sheet was - in the eyes of his teammates - among the first in terms of key leadership qualities he brought to the team in its quest for success. 

There is the flip side, of course, the marquee players who make it all about themselves. There was such a player on one college squad, his league's leading scorer at 23.2 ppg, who was named to the All-Conference First Team. But for all his individual stats, his team finished their season so poorly (13-16 overall, 7-10 in conference play) that they were the lowest seed in the conference tournament and sent packing after the first game. 

"We had a player like that some years back," said Coach Joe Niland, who during his long tenure at Spring Hill College and the University of Mobile has taken several teams to the NAIA Final Four. "He had to be the star, had to be the leading scorer. He simply didn't understand the concept of having your own needs subservient to the team. He made his whole senior year all about him. He cost us getting to the national tournament. He had been the leading scorer in his high school, the leading scorer at his junior college. Yet none of these teams ever won a championship."

"A good player helps his team to win. He might not be a big scorer, he might set picks, he might take charges, he might hustle for rebounds. Look at Bird and Magic. They made the players around them better. We had a player a couple of years ago, he didn't make All Conference Team, but all the coaches in our league told me they would take him on their team any day of the week."

So here is to all the guys going to the Big Dance who won't see action on the court, but without whom their teams might not have made it there!  Here's to everything they did all season long to make the guys who will get playing time better! Even without making it into the box score, they are champions!!

A COACH REFLECTS ON MOTIVATION, FRUSTRATION AND RESILIENCE

Manolo Povea is a veteran coach who has led teams in Spain, Portugal, South America and Asia. He recently spoke with a class of 11th and 12th grade students in his home town of Malaga, Spain, addressing topics including motivation, learning and emotions. He was good enough to share his comments with us.

EXTERNAL MOTIVATION

I consider external motivation a weak form of motivation, because it relies on others outside of ourselves, making it weak and temporary rather than enduring. Consider, for example, how it applies to free throw shooting. No bonus offered to a poor FT shooter is likely to make a difference in causing him to improve. Money (external) won't do it - whereas his personal decision (internal) may well move him to want to improve.

To me, the so-called motivational speeches that coaches give in the locker room before the game is a common example of motivation. And I suppose this is useful because it helps the team to ready for the game, like some team ritual or listening to music. I call this not motivation but energizing.  

The example I will share is my first Final as a professional coach in Portugal. I call this story "Willie's Cartoon."

The Portuguese League Cup consists of 8 teams playing a 3-game series in 3 days, with a loss taking you out of competition. Our team reached its first ever final in its history, and was to face the well known Portuguese team Benifica (famous in soccer as well as basketball). We had a thin American power forward, Mike, and the day before the game, during the film session, our other American, Willie, drew a cartoon in which Mike was face to face with a much bigger and tougher looking African player telling Mike "I will kill you tonight!" After the two of them had a good laugh I asked Willie in private if I could keep the cartoon, but did not say why. 

Later that day we won our semi-final game and advanced to the final. We were in the locker room and could hear the opposing players shouting as loud as they could, in a typical motivational performance, with the clear intention of intimidating us, the newcomers. I had long pictured this final. I knew that my player would be motivated to win, but also nervous and excited - perhaps too much so, and I was sure that more tension would not help. 

So when I finished talking to the players and everybody got up to head out to the court, I pretended to find something in my pocket by surprise.  I was in the middle of the group and all of them were looking at what was in my hands, so I showed them Willie's cartoon, where I had earlier crossed out the player's name and wrote in its place the name of one of Benefica's strongest players.

The guys all started to laugh, looking at me as if I were crazy, and they all left the locker room - at the same time as the Benifica players - shouting and with a certain aggressiveness. The situation was funny; my players were laughing in front of those "warriors" as if to say "We don't give a shit what you do - we are more confident than that!" 

I guess the Benifica players did not know what to think, but probably the fear changed sides a bit, and my guys played the game with a certain calm spirit. Still, we had to fight and play solid basketball, but we did not play nervous and we ended up winning the Final.

I use this as an example of the weakness of "motivational speeches" and how easy their effect can be overturned. Whatever is inside you - fear or courage - the INTERNAL motivation, is more powerful than any external agent. 

INTERNAL MOTIVATION

This is the motivation that is most of interest to me. This is the one that provokes real change - that takes a player from making excuses or saying "Yes, sir!"  Not because of any kind of "army" discipline, but because the player has found an internally-motivated reason to work harder, to listen, to let go of his ego and be humble, and to get better every day, every practice, no matter what happens. 

This is a change that NOBODY can block because it belongs to YOU. This is what the poet William Ernest Henley had in mind. as did Nelson Mandela who quoted Henley's Invictus (unconquered): "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." 

This is precisely the kind of motivation common to athletes in individual sports. They are alone to face the challenges, and that is pretty tough. Whereas in the case of team sports, an athlete is never alone, not in the game and not in practice, not in victory and not in defeat. 

So as a coach, I must try to inspire my players, to find within each of them that internal motivation. This requires that I pay attention to each player as an individual, to know them deeply as a person, and to invest time in that relationship. Otherwise a coach cannot inspire, influence, or even help a player.

FRUSTRATION

To me, the main question here is: Does failure justify frustration? Because, when a player has a bad game, or isn't playing well for a period of time, feeling frustrated is the easy way.  I sometimes wonder if the younger generation try as hard as they might. So the questions after a loss or failure must be: 

• How much effort did I put into work on that shot or that move or whatever? 
• How much effort did I put into this or that subject?
• Did I pay sufficient attention?
• How many repetitions did I do in my workout?

If the answer to these questions is "not as much as I could have," then there is no clear reason to be frustrated.

Listening - Humility - Selfishness

A player who often shows frustration (in the form of anger, for example) after making a mistake or missing a shot is often taken by others for a competitive guy, because they think that his anger comes from his desire to win. However, I'd consider him a selfish player, because he puts his "ME" first ahead of the "US," even thinking he is being positive. 

Humility is necessary to llisten, and listening is necessary to improve. Selfishness doesn't let you do either of these two things. We often think of selfishness as wanting to take more shots or have more playing time. But to me selfishness is just putting your ego first. This attitude brings the player to making excuses or pinning the blame on someone else, instead of reflecting on his own actions. Such self-criticism requires humility.

Know the "HOW" to Master the "WHAT"

Finally, it's necessary to know HOW to do something you want before you can master WHAT it is you want. Once again, to know the HOW, you need to listen, to be humble, and of course selfishness can't be part of this equation.

Speaking to the class, I finished with something Bruce Lee said. I told the kids this sentence means a lot. Very often a person, let's say a student, thinks, "I need to finish high school with a certain grade point average to attend college so that I can then go on to medical school to become a doctor. But that's too much for me. I'm not that smart. So I will aim for a lower grade, which is closer to my potential, and then I'll see what the future brings."

He or she thinks they are avoiding frustration by being realistic. However, if you have a dream, the call to be let's say a doctor, and you work hard to achieve that - really, really hard, but in the end your grades aren't good enough to get into Med School, then you can look at it in one of two ways: you can get frustrated because you didn't get in, or you can be proud that you gave it your very best effort, perhaps got a higher GPA than you thought you might, and still opened the door to some other options. Maintaining high goals makes you try harder. That is being a WINNER.

RESILIENCE

I often ask myself as a coach what is the way to manage defeat? Long ago I came to realize that players mimic whatever it is their coach demonstrates. When I began my career, I took over a team mid-season that was in solid last place in the league, with numerous losses. We also lost my first game at the helm, so I spent the next day (Sunday) very upset and thinking about what to say to the team on Monday's practice ... I needed a great motivational speech, I thought ... Should I push them, talking about the mistakes made? Or perhaps a video session to analyze the game? So I prepared several things around each of these options. 

Monday morning I woke up full of energy, raring to go, ready to explain and to show every single mistake. When we met up mid-court to go over the practice plan, I saw their faces and quickly realized that they needed solutions, not analysis.  And solutions always come from the work, not the words.

So that's what I did. Without saying a word - and putting aside all my preparations - I just explained the first drill.

I could see the relief on their faces. As if they were acknowledging "Coach's resilience to get past the defeat resides inour capacity to keep working, to work hard, and to maintain focus." 

That's the way to get better, and that's the way players like to solve problems. That's also the way a team becomes tougher. The toughness ... the strength of a team depends on the resilience of its leaders, and the coach is the primary (though not only) leader.

Paradox of Self-Confidence: Firmness vs. Flexibility

As a coach, but also in general, a person needs to have confidence in himself. Sometimes, espcially when the team is in trouble or facing defeat, everybody looks to the coach, either to solve the problem or to blame. The coach needs to maintain a balance between firm adherance to his plan and some flexibility to modify as needed. That balance between firmness and flexiblity makes the difference in any situation. 

When it comes to the coach's mental state regarding solving problems, I like what author George F. Tiltonood had to say:

"Success is never final, and failure never fatal. 

It's courage that counts."