I recently took part in a meeting of youth basketball coaches where the matter of parents who try to coach their own kids from the stands (and at other times) was addresse
Some of the veteran coaches gave some very good advice to the other coaches in the group about some ways to establish firm yet gentle boundaries, and there are other sites online offering similar counsel.
However I asked the coaches to consider another facet of this nearly universal problem, i.e., that this could also present a very important learning opportunity for 8- and 10- and 12-year olds.
When a parent yells out to his child to take the shot (because that parent cares about his child's success but not necessarily the success or cohesion of the team), the child wants to please his parent (and/or get his parent off his back) but the child is also learning how to be an effective part of a team and experiencing very valuable life lessons about it not always being about you.
I told the coaches that such situations offered children an important learning opportunity regarding such growth and personal development, and that there could be a benefit in NOT trying to only resolve this matter by appealing to the parents' readiness to back off.
I suggested a coach might begin a conversation by asking the kids to think about when parents yelled out such things, and in what ways this was beneficial and in what ways not.
Also to think about how - even though each parent wants the best for their child - this impacts the team as a whole, and that sometimes in life we have loyalty to more than one group and have to make certain choices - so that loyalty to our parents must co-exist with loyalty to our team.
This kind of discussion can help children develop a stronger sense of being able to manage potentially distressing situations and feel confident in their abilities to confront these (and other) unpleasant situations in ways that allow them to emerge with feelings of success.
By ONLY attempting to manage the situation through discussions with the offending parents, coaches, despite their best intentions, could prevent kids from such growth.
Many years ago, a leading psychologist named Albert Ellis, whose lengthy career focused on how people reacted to the things in life they defined as problems, proposed that school could help kids enormously by exposing them to mildly distressing situations so that the kids would develop the skills and strengths to successfully cope with these situations and thereby master their abilities to see such problems as not debilitating or otherwise disturbing, but as road bumps in life that they felt confident they could cope with and overcome with proper effort
If you have had experiences and/or thoughts in this matter of parents and youth sport, please drop a line to MitchSmithMentalCoach@gmail.com. Anything shared will be treated with the fullest of confidence/privacy.
Some of the veteran coaches gave some very good advice to the other coaches in the group about some ways to establish firm yet gentle boundaries, and there are other sites online offering similar counsel.
However I asked the coaches to consider another facet of this nearly universal problem, i.e., that this could also present a very important learning opportunity for 8- and 10- and 12-year olds.
When a parent yells out to his child to take the shot (because that parent cares about his child's success but not necessarily the success or cohesion of the team), the child wants to please his parent (and/or get his parent off his back) but the child is also learning how to be an effective part of a team and experiencing very valuable life lessons about it not always being about you.
I told the coaches that such situations offered children an important learning opportunity regarding such growth and personal development, and that there could be a benefit in NOT trying to only resolve this matter by appealing to the parents' readiness to back off.
I suggested a coach might begin a conversation by asking the kids to think about when parents yelled out such things, and in what ways this was beneficial and in what ways not.
Also to think about how - even though each parent wants the best for their child - this impacts the team as a whole, and that sometimes in life we have loyalty to more than one group and have to make certain choices - so that loyalty to our parents must co-exist with loyalty to our team.
This kind of discussion can help children develop a stronger sense of being able to manage potentially distressing situations and feel confident in their abilities to confront these (and other) unpleasant situations in ways that allow them to emerge with feelings of success.
By ONLY attempting to manage the situation through discussions with the offending parents, coaches, despite their best intentions, could prevent kids from such growth.
Many years ago, a leading psychologist named Albert Ellis, whose lengthy career focused on how people reacted to the things in life they defined as problems, proposed that school could help kids enormously by exposing them to mildly distressing situations so that the kids would develop the skills and strengths to successfully cope with these situations and thereby master their abilities to see such problems as not debilitating or otherwise disturbing, but as road bumps in life that they felt confident they could cope with and overcome with proper effort
If you have had experiences and/or thoughts in this matter of parents and youth sport, please drop a line to MitchSmithMentalCoach@gmail.com. Anything shared will be treated with the fullest of confidence/privacy.
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