HOW FEAR IS DESTRUCTIVE ON THE COURT AND OFF IT

FEAR. The one thing that, more than the toughest opponent, can bring down the most talented of competitors. 

I addressed the topic of fear in a previous post, FEAR or TRUST, which told the story of British rugby great Jonny Wilkinson, and his struggles with his own fear as he made his way through his career from self-doubt to confidence.  

The topic of fear was part of a talk given recently by former U.S. President Barack Obama as he addressed the current political climate in America. 

President Obama talked about the fact that much of what is currently happening in the U.S. is guided by a "politics of fear." His remarks caused me to think about how, in one way or another, the challenges faced by virtually every athlete I have worked with in my 25 years of sport psychology work stemmed from some sort of fear (fear of messing up, fear of disappointing others, fear of being benched, fear of falling short of one's goals ... mostly involving some sort of loss). 

These fears  - the fears that any of us face - may well be hard-wired within us. Historian Jon Meacham has noted that "Fear is among the oldest of human forces." At any rate, our fears are very basic and hard to overcome (whether in athletic competition or in our social and national life).*

Paralleling Wilkinson's own journey from fear to trust, President Obama eloquently called for a move from the politics of fear to the politics of hope. If, as suggested above, our fears are our "default mode," then such a shift requires clear  motivation, deliberate efforts, and thought-out strategies to enable us to replace fear with hope and trust.

The only way forward - the only way to adapt to whatever circumstances life throws our way - involves making those efforts, as hard as that may be. And perhaps also accepting that some fear will always be with us, but knowing that MANAGEABLE fears can even be part of what propels us forward. 

When we are able to find the COURAGE - in measure large or small - to face our fears and reach past them, then the kinds of strategies we can develop on our own or with the help of a sport psychology professional, can surely help us move from fear to hope.

* Meacham writes in "The Soul of America, "Fear is caused by whatever we feel has great power of destroying us, or of harming us in ways that cause us great pain. Fear feeds anxiety and produces anger. The opposite of fear is hope. Hope breeds optimism and looks forward. Fear points at others, assigning blame; hope points ahead."

YOUTH COACHES AND THE PARENTS IN THE STANDS

I recently took part in a meeting of youth basketball coaches where the matter of parents who try to coach their own kids from the stands (and at other times) was addresse

Some of the veteran coaches gave some very good advice to the other coaches in the group about some ways to establish firm yet gentle boundaries, and there are other sites online offering similar counsel.

However I asked the coaches to consider another facet of this nearly universal problem, i.e., that this could also present a very important learning opportunity for 8- and 10- and 12-year olds. 

When a parent yells out to his child to take the shot (because that parent cares about his child's success but not necessarily the success or cohesion of the team), the child wants to please his parent (and/or get his parent off his back) but the child is also learning how to be an effective part of a team and experiencing very valuable life lessons about it not always being about you.

I told the coaches that such situations offered children an important learning opportunity regarding such growth and personal development, and that there could be a benefit in NOT trying to only resolve this matter by appealing to the parents' readiness to back off.

I suggested a coach might begin a conversation by asking the kids to think about when parents yelled out such things, and in what ways this was beneficial and in what ways not.
Also to think about how - even though each parent wants the best for their child - this impacts the team as a whole, and that sometimes in life we have loyalty to more than one group and have to make certain choices - so that loyalty to our parents must co-exist with loyalty to our team.

This kind of discussion can help children develop a stronger sense of being able to manage potentially distressing situations and feel confident in their abilities to confront these (and other) unpleasant situations in ways that allow them to emerge with feelings of success.

By ONLY attempting to manage the situation through discussions with the offending parents, coaches, despite their best intentions, could prevent kids from such growth.

Many years ago, a leading psychologist named Albert Ellis, whose lengthy career focused on how people reacted to the things in life they defined as problems, proposed that school could help kids enormously by exposing them to mildly distressing situations so that the kids would develop the skills and strengths to successfully cope with these situations and thereby master their abilities to see such problems as not debilitating or otherwise disturbing, but as road bumps in life that they felt confident they could cope with and overcome with proper effort

If you have had experiences and/or thoughts in this matter of parents and youth sport, please drop a line to MitchSmithMentalCoach@gmail.com. Anything shared will be treated with the fullest of confidence/privacy.